Define expire. My dictionary says that 1-(of something that lasts for a time) come to an end, 2- die. Everything in the world expires... be it milk, food, bulbs, plants blab la bla.... and HUMANS. It occurred to me that, I’ve never really heard anyone say that ‘ (insert person’s name) is going to/ already expired’ or at least I’ve just never came across it. It sounds damn weird doesn’t it?
Yea, maybe it’s me just being bo liao today but I think it was the best word to describe what i felt in the past not so long ago, but yet feels so far. I had felt very exhausted, robotic and plastic....bla bla... on top of that, empty. No one, besides my mum noticed, or they just did’nt bothered saying anything. That smile on my face was never really just for show, until I feel literally that everything was just black and white. A very efficient robot took over and carried my life on the way it should be, while I locked out my thoughts on things I want to do, things I really wanted to happen and stuff like that. The point is, that time, I felt expired. I’ve finally found the exact work to place in the blank of what I felt - expired.
I remember that day when a lecturer when up to me and say ‘ you look sad, what’s wrong?’, and I was literally surprised that he said that AND the fact he said it in the middle of a class with everyone present =.=”... anyway, Who won’t be surprised? Especially when you thought u were perfectly fine. Now thinking back, I was not fine at all. The life I wanted and deserved wasn’t there. Things were’nt going the way I wanted it to be. How could I have forgotten that the life I wished to have then was supposed to be meaningful, fun and adventurous?? Looking back now made me realize I’ve missed out more than I can imagine, and that I could never return to the past and change things. These past few days in uni made me realize this much more clearer than ever. How could I be fine? Had I retreated from reality subconsciously? Have I buried everything I wanted till I forgot about it?? Was that why at a certain point nothing seems to interest me anymore??
Somehow, my gut feeling says ‘yes, yes. . . YES’
Don’t worry about this, I’m being emo and it’s all in the past and I just wanted to have this post so I wont ever ever forget that word to describe the past me, and that phrase of my life. That me had already expired long ago, and this current me would not let history repeat itself again.